Covert War On Our Prick Neighbor

When my brother and I were kids, we used to play in our front yard all the time. Once, we were playing baseball and our ball rolled down the hill into our neighbor’s backyard. My brother and I went inside to find another ball to play with. In those 5 minutes, he walked up the hill and pounded on our front door. My mom answered and he flew into a rage at her screaming about her “God damn kids ruining his lawn.” My mom tried to calm him down, but he put back his fist as if he was going to punch her. When my mom flinched, he started to laugh and spit on our doorstep. My brother and I saw everything and declared covert war.

We were smart. We waited until he wouldn’t be too suspicious. We didn’t do everything at once, but rather over the course of many years. Here is a rough list of all the things I remember doing:

• Poured female deer lure into his car’s and house’s A/C intake vents to perfume his air with an unholy stench.
• Saved up all shards of sharp glass, nails, etc and would scatter them on the ends of his driveway.
• Bought high strength concentrated weed killer and would apply it liberally to his prized shrubs and flowers.
• Found his car in public parking lots and threw balogna on it to ruin the paint job.
• Collected road kill and assorted dead critters we found (we had cats) and would throw them under the tarp that covered his pool.
• Waited until they went on vacation and put sugar all over their doors and window sills in hope that bugs would get into the house and nest.

To this day, we haven’t been caught because everything “could” have just happened naturally. I still don’t feel guilty. The guy was a huge prick. Still is a huge prick, actually.