Why I Can’t Let Anyone In

I had a huge crush on a girl for about 2 years, but was always too shy to say anything. We went to the same school, did the same after-school activities. We were inseparable best friends, and spent as much time together as humanly possible. When I was 15, I got a Myspace message from her telling me that she was in love with me. You see, her parents forbade her from having a Myspace account, but she said that she went to a friend’s house to make one because she really had to tell me how she felt.

We spent the entire night talking about how much we loved about each other and how excited we were to finally be able to tell each other in person. We were teenagers, so we put in every ounce of our hearts and souls into it. It was by far the happiest moment of my life.

The next day, I found out that it wasn’t actually her. It was one of her friends who made the entire profile and who spent the whole night talking to me. She showed the girl I liked everything I said. She stopped talking with me entirely. She put in every effort to be as far away from me as possible. When I would try to talk to her, to apologize and tell her I just wanted the friendship back, she would turn and hurry away.

I became extremely depressed to the point of delusion. Powerful delusions. I’ve always been somewhere along the agnostic-atheist scale, but there was one night where I had fully convinced myself that I was the devil, the entire world was Hell, everyone on earth was being eternally tortured, and the only ways to save them was for me to kill myself. Thankfully I didn’t, but every now then when I look back on it I can’t help but feel ashamed of myself – that I would rather let the entire planet go through unimaginable horrors than sacrifice my own life to end it for them.

Anyway, after several years I was able to get over my depression. However, since then I’ve still felt like a shell of a man.

I feel no emotional connection towards anyone, even my parents and good friends. I’ve moved several times since then and have had absolutely no sense of homesickness. I never even think about the friends I’ve left behind. I moved back home with my parents last summer. I have made literally no friends since then, not because I’m shy, but because I have no desire to get to know people. I only told a few friends from high school that I was back in town, and I all but ignored them when they invited me out. I haven’t heard from any of them since the beginning of winter. I only ever leave my house to go to classes.

I can’t initiate conversations with people, either. I can’t remember the last time I sent someone a text message first. I can’t remember the last time I wished anyone happy birthday, unless someone I’m with says it first. I haven’t congratulated any of my friends for graduating from college. In fact, there are only two Even in the last town I live in, where I had friends, I would rather go out to eat alone than invite one of them to join. It’s not because of some crippling shyness – I rarely get nervous or afraid about anything – it’s just that I have no desire to.

It’s kind of odd, because once I’m with my friends I’m a very outgoing, extraverted, enjoyable person. It’s just when it comes to anything that could be construed as being remotely intimate, I can’t do it.

In the 8 years since the incident and I’ve only ever dated two girls, and had absolutely no feelings for either of them. Sex has never been enjoyable for me. I haven’t been able to orgasm since then because it makes me feel too vulnerable. I’ve turned down plenty of women simply because I have no desire to be physically or emotionally intimate with anybody. In fact, I actively avoid it. I’m honestly becoming more and more afraid that I’ll spend the rest of my life alone, because I can’t let anybody in.