I Tried To Kill Myself When In College

I tried to kill myself once, at my college. Was going to swallow I think Tylenol and a handle of vodka, intending to induce organ failure + alcohol poisoning. I ended up about to swallow, but the cheap alcohol made me so aware of my actions that I spit it out and ran to my friend’s room (I stole the alcohol from him, and it’s the only time I’ve knowingly stolen something) to apologize. This was maybe 2 years ago; I ended up having to take a year off, and was forced to explain the situation to the adults in my life. For the first time, they found out that I had been sexually assaulted by my older brothers for about 5 years, and that I had been suffering from depression for about 9 years.

They did not understand. Didn’t understand how I could be broken up over something that happened years ago, convinced that I was just trying to weasel myself out of my (dream) college, or that I am too stupid to handle it. And when I finally convinced them to let me see a shrink, all they spoke about was how pointless therapy was, and wanted to know how long this would last. I ended up returning to and then leaving college again, once again due to depression.

Now the verbal abuse that I’ve faced growing up has increased tenfold. Almost every day is some sort of argument, with me hearing about how I’ve fucked up my life, and that I’m a jackass and a fool. I desperately want to leave, but I have nowhere to go. I have no job and no money, so I can’t afford an apartment or therapy. I am so tired of being mistreated, and I want to be free, but I’m trapped in this hellhole.

I haven’t really been able to speak to people about this for months now. I’m sincerely afraid that I’ll never be able to become the man I want to be, because I’m too busy trying not to slip back into a depressed state. (As long as I avoid doing anything slightly challenging, or thinking for too long, I can stay neutral.)