Drive-By Egging

A few years ago when my son wasn’t even old enough to walk yet. I had just kicked my girlfriend out of our apartment because she was cheating on me, so I had more rage built up than normal.

It was a nice summer night, and I had my son in his bouncy seat by a screen door that led to our balcony which faced a somewhat busy street. He was enjoying bouncy time and I was enjoying whatever happened to be on TV. Suddenly, I heard a couple loud pops and a couple duller “smash” sounds. Startled, I looked towards the balcony and noticed remnants of egg running down the window, and I looked at my son who had started to scream. He also had egg on him since it had splattered through the screen door. Rage Mode: Activated.

I cleaned up the window, and I cleaned up my son. I put him to bed after I got him calmed down since it was his bedtime anyway. At this point I was still fuming. I was thinking about who would do such a thing, and my only rational explanation was teenagers who were bored and feeling destructive. We had egging problems on the street in the past, but usually it was limited to cars that were parked along the street. I immediately thought, “If I was still a teenager, I’d wait for the person to clean it up, and I’d be cocky enough to go back and egg them again!”

I grabbed an old aluminum baseball bat and sat outside my apartment building. Keep in mind that this was a pretty rough period in my life, so I probably wasn’t completely sane after this happened. I found a spot between two cars that were parked end-to-end in front of the building and seat on the curb between them. 10-15 minutes went by and no sign of any delinquents. I was about to give up when suddenly a newer sedan comes around the corner and comes to a halt in the middle of the street almost right in front of me. I look around the edge of parked car’s bumper and see a car filled with teenagers…and one is slowly emerging from the passenger side rear window with eggs in hand.

I stood up immediately with the bat and made direct eye contact with the kid. He completely froze and all I could muster was a “You mother fucker.” I started swinging at the car with a fury that I’ll probably never replicate. Large dent after large dent…drivers side tail light completely destroyed…sledgehammered the driver side mirror off. I hear teenagers screaming to “GO GO GO GO” and the driver floors it. With 4-5 people in the car, it wasn’t moving so fast. I’m a pretty athletic guy, so I sprinted after them. In one final attempt at auto destruction, I threw the baseball bat like a battle axe, end-over-end at the vehicle. Straight through the rear window. Glass was EVERYWHERE. And the best part…my bat fell out of the window and off the trunk, so I was able to retrieve it. I actually kept running after them after this, but I realized after about 100 meters that I wouldn’t be able to keep up on foot.

I started walking back down the street towards my apartment building. There is an identical building next to it that shares our lot. As I walked by, I heard a slow, clapping sound. I looked up to see a single man looking down towards me. All he said was, “That was AWESOME!” I think I might have said, “Thanks” but I really don’t remember. I was so pissed that things were almost a blur at that point.

I’ve never felt an adrenaline rush like that in my life. I have a slight one right now just after typing that out. I normally don’t get that pissed, but with the circumstances of my life, it just happened. I think the thing that really pushed me over the edge is that they hit my son, and he would have been easily viewable from the street.

And we never had any egging problems after that incident.