First Grade

When I was in 1st grade there was this jerk, Eric, who essentially made my life a living hell. He was constantly shoving me down, stealing the ball from me, and would consistently smack me or throw things at me in class when the teacher’s back was turned. I often got in trouble for yelling at him or hitting him back, meanwhile the sneaky bastard was an angel in her eyes.

It’s December, and the entire class is excited about two things: Bring your Dad to school day, and Christmas. Well, one day in class, our teacher was talking about Christmas and Santa Claus when Eric blurts out “Santa isn’t real! He’s just make believe for babies.” The teacher tried to make him be quiet, but the damage was already done. The entire class was distraught, two girls actually had to leave the classroom because they were crying so much.

I got home and told my parents what Eric had said, and they convinced me that Santa was real and said that Eric was just a mean little boy. A few days passed without further incident, and it was time for bring your Dad to school day. However, my Dad had cancelled a few days before, saying that he had a really important meeting that he couldn’t afford to miss.

Well, the Dads all arrived to class shortly after lunch, and were presenting briefly one-by-one when suddenly, who would burst into the classroom but Santa Fucking Claus. Letting out a big “HO HO HO!!!”, the pudgy St. Nick strode into the classroom, hugged our teacher, and gave a brief presentation about elves and toy-making and his reindeer. He then went around the classroom giving all the kids mini-Reese’s, and right before he left went “Say, which one of is you is Eric?” The teacher pointed him out, and Santa went up to his desk and said something like “You know Eric, it’s not nice to tell people that I’m not real. If you keep being a naughty boy, you’ll be getting coal next week!” Eric just looked back at him stunned and gave a sheepish nod. Santa then went and stood by the doorway, gave a cheery laugh, and right before he walked out looked me dead in the eyes and winked.

I was amazed and ran home telling my parents all about what had happened that day. Eric wasn’t as mean after that, and everything in the 1st grade was gumdrops and ice cream. It wasn’t until I was in high school that my mother revealed that the Santa Claus was actually my Dad. He had gone so far as to buy an expensive fat suit and mask in order to fool me and everyone else.